Today it’s raining here and I’m sitting in the balcony just enjoying the rain. I don’t know why, I have this love story with rain that goes back to when I was just a kid. I love rain and it’s an emotion that’s as pure as love for me.
In my every starry fantasy, rain has played an important role. I imagined sitting on a veranda, a record player playing an old song. I would be sitting with a cup of coffee, enjoying the rain while humming along to songs that just doesn’t make you feel good, but makes you feel like you are breathing along with them.
Right now while I’m sitting on the patio, I’m listening to an old hit. Eyes closed ’cause I think I feel content. Life is full of so many unanswered questions, uncertainty, so many things that make me scared to face the future, that I just forget to live in the moment most of the times, to just breathe and be content in a moment that I will never get back. I think there is this race to scramble along to secure a future which has not happened yet that I forget to see the present that this moment is all that is certain. I think lately I have forgotten the better picture that it’s always the little moments that matters.
So today I’m not going to think about anything, like health, my future, my writing, my career, life, death, surviving, anything in between or about all the uncertainty that makes me want to just run and hide. Today I’m just listening to songs that I love and just breathing and finding peace in this moment that’s infinitely beautiful. This moment right here, this feeling that I have in my heart and this sense of being content is perhaps the most honest and beautiful feeling.
Its the hardest thing in the world to know everything about a person and then trying to forget it. All the vivid details. How they eat an egg roll with great interest. How they want a sookha golgappa with only dahi at the end. How they only liked their chai when head bursts with work. Random stories and tales they once told you .Why they think chapp is one of the best things to have and how green chillies are the worst when they come in the mouth. What makes them smile and how certain memories show up as ghosts in the graveyards of their eyes . Why love for them happens everyday is difficult to understand .
It’s like living in their universe and realising they are the sun.
There is a void between remembering and forgetting and all of us just hang there .You keep waiting that someday this wouldn’t hurt anymore and maybe they will come back. It’s a thing we human do fantasize Because reality is a cesspool of tragedies and living here is a nightmare . So you wish upon a shooting star that they come back but they never do .
Forgetting sometimes hurts more than leaving .
In our memories it never ends we just stay there wishing dreaming and laughing forever.
Science talks about the concept of Muscle
memory. Our muscles always remember moments. Your arms will always bend when you see them , your right eye will twitch when they are near and your lips will always mould themselves to say i love you. You will extend your right hand but there will not be a hand to hold yours. So you will keep waving it mid air suspended like half fulfilled promises. All of this is a signal that our bodies were designed to save and store things and when you try to forget something you are distrupting the equilibrium .
Maybe its the universe screaming that staying will hurt but so will forgetting .
The thing about pain is it’s never beautiful. You find yourself wallowing in a puddle of bitterness. So, you don’t
repulse the next time you sip that sugarless coffee. Or when you drag that unfiltered hand-rolled cigar.
The unsavoury doesn’t concern
you anymore. Because it runs in
your veins like blood.
You don’t cry nostalgically for happiness, because you have never been to its place. You crinkle like a paper
in a fist and cry quietly, but not for yourself; for the blue sky, so breathtaking yet sad, like poetry.
You drink poison hoping to die, but instead, it finds an abode inside you. There’s a flower in your garden that bleeds green; it pricks you and your red turns everything into yellow. You turn to art, thinking, it’ll rescue you from your malady. And that’s when you realise; art isn’t going to heal your scars, it’ll just make them more presentable.
Often heard people consoling :
“Everything is fine” even when it’s not.
“Don’t overthink, just be happy” as if it’s just that easy.
“Don’t be sad” like that will help.
“Just stop thinking about it” like that will heal it.
“Always be happy” when it’s literally impossible to be always happy. We get sad sometimes & it’s completely natural.
“Don’t think about suicide, you’re a happy person.” like those thoughts are in our control.
“You shouldn’t be depressed, you have everything” like depression is a choice.
“Just chill” doesn’t work every time. When something bad happens that makes you sad or when you lose something/someone, not thinking about it or simply distracting from it is not the solution. Most people do this because they find the escape much easier than to feel those negative emotions.
But it is not a good practice. We may feel better in the moment but in the long run, it suppresses our emotions, develops anxiety and detaches us from our emotions and feelings. Isn’t it okay to be sad? I guess it is okay to feel any kind of negative emotions. Having the power to confront your own self is not a small thing.
You might feel your way is easier, that escaping and hiding your pain with a smile is better. Maybe you’ll even say that there are no side effects from it. But it’s not so. You don’t see them because you choose not to. But they are all inside you. It might be low self-esteem, inability to sustain healthy relationships, endless feeling of loneliness, or unreasonable anger. But it’s all there. Better vent out and let your emotions flow because no one can be positive at all times.
Self-doubt, lack of confidence, not believing you are good enough, and aiming for perfectionism can block you from attempting anything. It can create a fear of failure. This fear holds you back and you might not even have the courage to try. When you don’t try, you inevitably always fail.
It is a negative feedback loop, because when you fail, it is confirming your self belief that you aren’t good enough and again you will not ontinue to try.
Luckily the opposite is also true. When you believe you are good enough, you don’t strive for perfection but just to be enough. You are hopeful and give it a go. Even if you then fail, you had a chance at success and you would have always learned from it.
As Brene Brown says, when you are not sure if you should or shouldn’t do something, ask yourself:
Is it worth doing, even if I fail?
Please remember that as you go through challenging moments in your life, you may not be able to change the people around you. Perhaps they will be rooted in their ways, perhaps they will have hearts that are hardened and slow to listen, or perhaps they are afraid of what will happen if they let go of what they’ve held for so long.⠀
It is not your job to change someone who is unwilling to change — not in perspectives, not in attitudes, and not even in love. But nothing can be changed that is not faced, so remind yourself that the fight is worth having, even when it’s hard.
While I was standing alone in the darkness, this lightened lamp caught my attention. I could see my faint shadow painted on a wall by the light of this lamp. As the stormy winds were playing with the flame, my shadow was trembling too.
I watched the little lamp fight with the darkness, betraying the strength of its own and also the depth of the darkness. The blowing breeze tilted the triumph towards darkness, and from the struggle of the shivering flame, I could see that the lamp would die any time soon. But surprisingly, the flame got its balance back. Perhaps it was the magic of firm determination of not giving up, and now the lamp stood still against the dark in this “looking impossible to win” battle. I was astonished by the toil, the little lamp had gone through without a dwindle and I surely was impressed with the arrogant behaviour the lamp showed towards the uncanny dark. But now I think, what choice did the lamp have?
Isn’t life like this sometimes? It drags us into the battle we don’t want to fight and leaves us no choice. We can’t run away no matter how tired we are because of this war. You don’t see victory near, but that can’t be the reason you give up. The only escape way, is through.
But does the battle make us stronger in the end? I don’t know. Perhaps, I’m still in between the war. But you remember the lamp, it shone the brightest when the darkness was at its peak.
Hope is everywhere. In love, ” I hope it never ends. ” In hurt, ” I hope it gets better. ” In happiness, ” I hope it lasts. ” In sadness, ” I hope it ends soon. ” In hate, ” I hope karna screws that person. ” In leaving, ” I hope to see you again. “
In waking up, ” I hope I have a great day. ” In eating, ” I hope it tastes good. ” In starving, ” I hope I lose weight. ” In birth, ” I hope this child lives a great life. ” In death, ” I hope the soul rests in peace. “
Hold on to this thread of hope and never let it break.
At times, things are not as easy as they appear. Sometimes things are actually more soul draining than they seem to be. Do you remember the time when you thought you will get all what you ever wanted, remember the time you tried your best to keep some people in your life?
Time passes gradually and many a things change. At times you find it harder to breathe in crowds, you simply don’t like the people around you. All you crave for is isolation. But my dear, you survived this phase. Thank you for not giving up when the worst happened to you. Thank you for pulling up when everything made no sense. And the fact that you continued moving forward, makes me proud of you.
It goes unsaid that in the darkest hour of our life, we shine the most. If you look at the rain, it teaches you not to hide, but shine at the places you don’t belong to. You need to come out of your comfort zone to understand your true potential. You only become aware of your inherent abilities when the things are odd. Overcoming your fears and fighting against them will surely give you immense amount of pleasure because it is then you realize how tough you are from the inside.
The problem with us these days is that we take everything for granted. This is the reason why happy moments no longer seem happy anymore, and we begin to lose every hope when life becomes tough. We want miracles to happen and hope for a better future. Although it is good to be inquisitive, but you know asking too many questions and not trying to get a single answer is also not going to help.
At times it happen that the blurred pictures are the most beautiful and the people with sad past make the most beautiful future. So, hold the thread of hope. It is just the beginning and the beginning needs strength. Believe in yourself first if you want others to believe in you.
Those pigeons carrying your letters, I have never let them in. I saw them flapping their wings against my windows but I pulled down the shutters and closed the curtains, oblivious to the conditions outside. They were there all night and I found them sprawled on my doorstep the next morning, your letters still held between their beaks. I burned them all down and watched the wind take away their ashes with it.
When I am all by myself, I am sometimes reminded of your bubbling laughter which sounded like the waves breaking against the rocks ashore. I saw the withered roses which were pressed in between the pages of my favorite novel, your name on every one of them and that made me long for you endlessly.
But then I realized it again. Falling for you was like walking on the quagmire, the more I tried to escape, the more I sank into its depths. I’d seen the end the day itself when our eyes had met; two broken hearts which were too shattered to fall in love again and four eyes that were in search of someone who’ll never be with them forever. Ever since I have learned to drive, pain has taken a permanent place on the passenger seat of my car. And I always knew there was nothing but despair, longing and heartbreak at the end of this road.
This is everything that I never said to you when I could. But I promise, every night when I close my eyes, there will always be a prayer on my lips:
May you read it and know it is for you. I hope you know it’s always been just you.
It is not always advisable to wait for the right time when you want to confess or say something to someone. This time may be the right time and it’s just that probably you couldn’t figure it out. I feel that somewhere in a parallel universe there exists a record of all that you left unsaid. All that you backspaced and things you did not say. Somewhere those things have been segregated as per dates, just like these Whatsapp chat backups.
Those words that left you sour and empty and curdled your soul. All the things that you typed in clumsily over the phone in the middle of the night, masking all your desperation and dejection. It is all probably there in a parallel universe. These conversations exist in plenty and one day you will finally have access to all of those accumulated manuscripts. May be then you will realize how different life would have been if you had said all that you ever wanted to.
Life is unpredictable and we are swimmers in the ocean of uncertainty. Instead of being stuck in a whirlpool of confusions, speak up today.
I frankly don’t have a clue what I am going to write about but the past few days have been quite strange for me. I mean I am fine and there is not much happening in my life but there is this heaviness I feel whenever I breathe. I feel like my mind is occupied with nothing yet everything. Somewhere I wish I had some sort of consistency in life. It is simply like as soon as I am happy something bad happens. Or you know, even when it doesn’t my mood just drops down and on a serious note I am tired. I don’t know whether this is just a phase or it will last forever.
In one of my previous posts, I mentioned that there is no forever, but there is. Forever has to be an infinite number but at times forever is as small as a kiss, as small as those gusts of wind rippling your hair, as small as the ocean waves hitting the shore. The moments you never wanted to end but it ended nevertheless. I don’t know if this phase is a short forever or a long one. Some days I am all good, doing my bit, happy, joyous and lively. But on the other days, I am on my bed, too numb to even write. These are those moments when I feel the sound of the clock ticking or the switched on lights, even these become too much to take. When I feel helpless and energy-less to even get out of bed is when I sink deeper and deeper. These moments make me question my existence and I fail to understand my own self.
You know that feeling when you get to read your favorite book but it is in some other language which you can’t comprehend and all you want to do is simply tear off the pages. These are my feelings. These emotions are mine and I simply do not know how to understand it all. All that I want is to end all of this. But this is how life is, the unhappiness, the pain, the resentment, the anger is all there! May be I will be better tomorrow, may be not! This is quite sudden and time taking but I hope all goes well in the end. Either there is a hopeless end or an endless hope!
Here are a few noteworthy dialogues from the Bollywood movie Kalank. The movie was not a great one though, but the dialogues are worth sharing which would for sure stay with you.
“When someone’s destruction seems like our victory then there is no one in the world who is as devastated as us.”
“The colour of love and hatred both are red but the difference is that in hatred the world gets destroyed and in love you have to destroy yourself. Still love is the one that gets defamed.”
“Some relationships are like debts. You don’t have to fulfill them, instead you have to repay them.”
“You’ll find thousands of reasons in the market of fear for not falling in love, but you have to search for only one reason in your own heart to fall in love.”
“Hope only makes you wait. It doesn’t change the reality.”