Posted in Shades of Life

Happy Birthday Mommy

I unturned the hourglass upside down
Sand descending back to the ground
And as the things undo themselves within
My bed sheets are back to uptight, spread fine
The pillow has dried up
As if it was never soaked from the tears
And my eyes
My eyes, no more look like a red dawn sun
As if mourning the death of a loved one
It’s normal again, like they deserve to be
The blood slowly dripping down my leg
Just took rewind, and is back in vein
The scars, the marks have disappeared
With a beautiful golden honey skin
There’s no more chaos in the room
Like it was some battlefield
Books are back in shelf, so clean it is
Like it just renewed itself

Time will heal
Things around
I knew it always

But the depth of my heart has will no more
To trust the time or its glory for that course
Rightly said you can never get over the pain of losing someone close to you, you somehow learn to live with it.

And for me, she was my whole life. Happiest birthday Mommy 🎂

ShadesofLife

Posted in The Untold Story

Positivity is Toxic at Times

Often heard people consoling :
“Everything is fine” even when it’s not.
“Don’t overthink, just be happy” as if it’s just that easy.
“Don’t be sad” like that will help.
“Just stop thinking about it” like that will heal it.
“Always be happy” when it’s literally impossible to be always happy. We get sad sometimes & it’s completely natural.
“Don’t think about suicide, you’re a happy person.” like those thoughts are in our control.
“You shouldn’t be depressed, you have everything” like depression is a choice.

“Just chill” doesn’t work every time. When something bad happens that makes you sad or when you lose something/someone, not thinking about it or simply distracting from it is not the solution. Most people do this because they find the escape much easier than to feel those negative emotions.

But it is not a good practice. We may feel better in the moment but in the long run, it suppresses our emotions, develops anxiety and detaches us from our emotions and feelings. Isn’t it okay to be sad? I guess it is okay to feel any kind of negative emotions. Having the power to confront your own self is not a small thing.

You might feel your way is easier, that escaping and hiding your pain with a smile is better. Maybe you’ll even say that there are no side effects from it. But it’s not so. You don’t see them because you choose not to. But they are all inside you. It might be low self-esteem, inability to sustain healthy relationships, endless feeling of loneliness, or unreasonable anger. But it’s all there. Better vent out and let your emotions flow because no one can be positive at all times.

ShadesofLife

Posted in The Untold Story

There is No ONE Reason for Suicide!

No one kills him self because of one breakup, one failure or one lockdown. There is no ONE REASON for suicide. It is like a cancer of thoughts and only empathy or support is the treatment.

It’s the years of hopelessness, worthlessness, inner fight, internal conflict, one cannot imagine a roller coaster ride from dark to light and dark again.
And years and years and years of apathy from the society and near and dear ones towards mental health that a person loses battle with depression and ends his life. It’s not easy to hang yourself, just imagine the amount of mental torture and pain.
There is no one reason for suicide. RIP Sushant Singh Rajput.

Open up, talk to your near ones. Mental health is the most important.

ShadesofLife

Posted in In A Nut Shell

New Normal? Nope!

The pandemic begins suddenly, violently, recklessly. No one knows what to do. The world goes silent. Not everyone one knows how to deal with isolation. Grief knocks at doors and loneliness welcomes us home. Life comes to standstill and breathing feels heavy.

They say its the beginning of the end. They never taught us how to deal with endings. How do you mourn the dead you never met. What to do with all these funerals you could never attend . 
Helplessness looms on heads and shops run out of masks.
There’s no justice for displaced. How do you stay at home when there’s no home? Too many questions lie unanswered.

Suffering doesn’t seem to end. The funny part is no one knew how badly they want to exist until a virus strain strikes. 
Everyone’s tired of wondering if a vaccine or practicing religion can save them. Will an antibacterial soap wash the blood of everyone they killed on their hands ? Will they someday understand how to stop mourning each morning?

The word positive seems deadlier than ever before. For once in life, everyone wants to be positive that theyare negative. Tough times. Hopeless cases of desperation. 
How do you pray when you don’t know what to pray for?
How do you believe when your beliefs could kill you!

ShadesofLife

Posted in Shades of Life

Cheers to 2019!

When I first started the year, I wasn’t in the best mindset. Like I had no idea where I was headed, and I just wanted to stop for a while. I wanted to rest and let the world go ahead without me while I took time to figure myself out. It’s crazy. Everything looks rose-tinted to a spectator, the grass is greener on the other side but only the person living that life knows what they’re going through.

All I wanted was peace. I was losing my drive, the things that propelled me forward and my dreams. I even lost someone forever who was very close to me. But I would always wish him loads of happiness and success wherever he is.

The previous year brought about a tumultuous change in my life. It’s weird to think that a year ago I had no idea that I would experience the things that I did, that I would meet the people I have, and that I would feel the way that I feel at this moment. This year has given me so much, imprinted a lifetime of memories that I will take with me as I move forward on my journey, the people that I’ve with me have healed me, loved me, encouraged me, improved me and welcomed me with all my imperfections, in my entirety.

I would always pray to God for some people to be by my side lifelong. Without them, I would cease to exist. It’s true that some people transform your life completely with their presence, bringing an abundance of love, happiness and warmth that you let every ounce of your being absorb.

I’m ending the year with my cup brimming with kind people, happiness, memories, smiles and laughter. The weeks, months and years ahead are uncertain but what I am certain of is how I feel at this present moment – happy, driven towards my dreams, and praying that I have the one I love with me always.

And these are the things that I wish for each and every one of you. Welcome happiness and love, welcome risks, new people and adventures, welcome growth, welcome your future. I wish you so much love and light.

Cheers to 2019 & Wish You a Happy 2020!

ShadesofLife

Posted in The Untold Story

To The One Who Was Never Mine

The day I learned not to bother about whatever was happening with you was the day I realized, that my heart is brave to strike off that one thing which I had kept on the highest pedestal since so long. That day I accepted that what’s not meant to happen, no matter how hard I try, no matter how far I run, will not happen. And practically speaking, there is no loss in losing what was never yours, there is no defeat in stepping outside, empty-handed, there is no guilt in giving up on something which never held on to you.

That day I understood that my heart isn’t a graveyard of your memories, where I had buried each one of them chronologically. My heart is certainly not a garden of remembrance where you visit once in a blue moon to offer your condolences to my fallen hopes.

The day your words managed to pierce through the walls of my delicate heart, which were once filled with love, only for you; that day itself you managed to earn my ignorance. From that day itself, your existence never really mattered to me, anymore. So, congrats you have permanently destroyed a perpetual source of love. You have been successful in pushing away a pair of palms that, whenever folded, prayed for you. You successfully lost each and every wish that was meant only for you.

But, forget not that everything, good or bad, eventually comes to an end. So will this, one day. For now, I am letting it burn, our unfinished book, I don’t remember what page number were we at, I don’t remember what chapter had I started before you tore it apart. Neither do I want to remember. I just hope you have a happy and a successful life.

ShadesofLife

Posted in Shades of Life

Live, Even If It’s Tough!

Each of us has a reason to live. May be a special someone, a child, a career, a passion or anything else. It is the thing which kindles the fire in your soul, and without it, you have no idea what to do with yourself. But at times, it happens that you actually lose the thing that kept you going and everything seems to fall apart. The excitement and the eagerness is all gone. The pain makes you feel meaningless when you lose your reason to live.

In such a situation, you need to redefine your reasons for living. Remember that life is always moving forward and changing. You will have to change too. The time will come when you will have to move on as well. If you have lost someone/something which was incredibly important to you, you have based your reason to live on this thing and you may now feel trapped when this thing has been taken from you. But it is not true. Your reason to live depends on you. You are truly dynamic and you have the power to assign someone the meaning and purpose of your life.

You do not need to change the world. All you need to do is simply change your perspective. Truly said “The most tragic moments in our life are the ones that define us the most.” Life is good but it isn’t always fair. There are good times and bad. But when things get tough, seize control of your life and find a reason to keep living. Find a reason to keep going!

ShadesofLife

Posted in Shades of Life

You Only See What You Wish To!

These four words (Nothing. Everything. Anything. Something.) are relative in nature. What may mean nothing to you, may be everything for someone. Truly said ” One mans’s food is another man’s poison.”

“Nothing, Everything, Anything, Something: If you have nothing, then you have everything, because you have the freedom to do anything, without the fear of losing something. “

Jarod Kintz

Nothing is something, and something could be anything or everything, which means that everything is just nothing. Too complicated? Life is just a matter of perspective. It all depends on the way you perceive it. You interpret a situation depending on your beliefs and interests. But to be honest, you only see what you wish to see.

ShadesofLife

Posted in Shades of Life

Love is Not That Easy..

With love comes the fear of loss. The undeniable fear of losing your loved one. Just the thought of not having them by your side one day hangs heavy like a grey cloud above your head. The thought that certain events may unfold which will lead to parting ways causes an immense pain inside you just like a burning sensation.

With Love comes vulnerability, trust, loyalty and the possibility that these things mean taking pieces from your soul and giving it over to the person you love. With love you become aware of the fact that losing them will eventually cause you relentless pain. You know that if they leave you, a huge part of you, will leave your side too.

But at the same time, with loving someone comes smiles, laughs and happy tears which you will remember for lifetime. You feel an incredible peace, a peace, that you know you will never be able to find again. With loving someone comes serenity, contentment, understanding and a friendship which will never leave you feeling cold. No matter how far you go, you know you will never forget those days.

With love comes fear, sure but it is also accompanied by a fearlessness that you didn’t know you could summon. There comes a happiness which stays, and believe me when I say that, because it does stay!

ShadesofLife

Posted in Shades of Life

Train Yourself To Let Go All That You Fear To Lose!

To be honest, facing your fear is the right thing to do. You can’t train yourself for it, you simply need to face it. Keep a strong belief in yourself that what is meant to stay in your life will stay no matter how many odds are in your favor. If you fear and worry about things, it only makes you suffer twice. So it’s better to have faith in yourself and keep going ahead. You’ll overcome all your fears eventually. Believe in the universe and the way it puts up things for you. Ultimately, remember the mantra for life that whatever happens, happens for the good.

Voluntarily or involuntarily, attachments happen and we get close to people. We may not be totally aware but with attachment comes a fear of loss. The fear of loss paralyses you to act sensibly and you feel as if everything is going down in flames. Life is beautiful, but it is only beautiful because it is finite. No matter you are having a good time or a bad time, always remember that – This too shall pass.

Whether you are in deep despair or in the midst of the greatest experience of happiness, remembering this truth will serve us well. Resistance to impermanence along with the ever-changing flow of all things in life, is a great cause of suffering. Let pass what must pass. Let go all that you fear to lose!

ShadesofLife

Posted in Shades of Life

What Destiny Wants!

Quite funny indeed. We know not what destiny wants from us. When we meet someone it is tough to figure out whether it is destiny, coincidence or pure luck. Same is the case when we lose someone, no matter be it a broken relationship or the loss of a person due to unexpected death, the hardest part to deal with and experience is the vacuum of loss that is felt in the heart.

It feels as if all of a sudden a very important and significant part of our life, which is the most essential for us is taken away. There can be no immediate replacement. What is left behind is a big void. An empty space, a black hole which we simply cannot have any idea of. We start feeling hollow, it is a feeling like suddenly our hearts have been taken away from us. And trust me, this feeling is deadly.

What destiny wants is a question no one has an answer to, but I wish there was an answer to this. Some times you love a person with all your heart and do all the possible things you can to keep him in your life but destiny has other plans for you. You have to leave them because they are not destined  to be in your life. And leaving is not easy, especially when you love someone. It’s not tough to leave people behind, it ‘s their memories that haunt.

It’s true when said – ” Tumse milna ittefaq tha, bichadna naseeb.” In English – “Meeting you was a mere coincidence, parting ways was destiny.” But I guess you keep learning when life unfolds itself and evolve during the process.

What destiny wants cannot be known before hand. This reminds me of a famous English couplet that says, “It’s fate that flings the dice and when it flings/ Of kings makes peasants and of peasants makes kings.” True indeed!

ShadesofLife

Posted in Shades of Life

Find Peace During Times of Chaos!

At times you want someone to simply be there with you. Not to fix anything but to let you know that you are cared for. At times I feel something deep inside me which makes me hollow, something that invades me, which shakes my entire being. It’s a struggle to get out of bed and all I want is to isolate myself from everyone and everything. I hate having no control in my life and losing people who are the most important to me, but you know life is unfair and it does just that.

Finding peace in even the most chaotic situations is the key to a happier living. Take a step back and focus on the silver lining. When things go wrong, even then there are some things which can be right. Believe that better things are making way to you and turn your vision into reality. Distract your mind from all the unnecessary worrying and keep yourself busy. Know that you are not alone and surround yourself with your favorite people.

I am someone who feel things deeply and have a lot of trouble in cutting people from my life. It is too tough to imagine your life without people whom you consider are your world. The last thing I would want to do on earth is to leave the people I love behind and move on in life without them. But just as every dark cloud has a silver lining, there is always hope for better things to come.

ShadesofLife

Posted in Shades of Life, The Untold Story

2190 Days Without You!

It is again the 1st of February. The most dreaded day of my life. The day I wish never shows up on the calendar. The day I want to be deleted forever! This was the very day I lost my mother, or I should say my life.

So, on a very precise note, 2190 days without you and it feels like an entire lifespan. So tough it was to believe that I will never be able to hug you, kiss you hear you; but eventually, I learned to live with this truth of my life. It hits hard at times trust me, not at all something I will able be able to cope with my entire life. But that is how it goes I guess. Somehow, with time you get the strength to cope with the loss.

Death indeed is the saddest reality of life. The one and the only thing which shivers me from inside. Today, after around 2190 days without you, I feel like your memories are my life’s only solace. Needless to say, how much I miss your presence, I would certainly not be exaggerating if I say your absence kills me from inside. 2190 days is a fairly long span of time. But I still feel if it’s just yesterday when the entire chain of events took the life out of me in just a few hours. My life was no longer worth living, it felt meaningless. No matter whatever I do to move away from this pain; my heart knows that it is a task which I will never be successful at. This void will never be filled and it is never-ending grief I will have to live with all throughout my life.

Deep down in my heart, I will always know that I can never hug you again. That feeling kills me each second. After I lost you, mourning has become a way of life for me. The beautiful memories we spent together make me smile; only till the time I realize you are no longer here. I miss you so so much, I wish I could ever do something for you, I wanted to take all your pain away. I wish I could do all that which made you happy. Time was never benevolent enough to give me a chance. Your death was a tough lesson to me that life is so uncertain. I wish destiny had this lesson conveyed to me in a different manner.

Today as I pen down my feelings, I realize why you always wished I was strong; because you knew that one day I would be needing the strength to bear your loss. I so wish to meet you to see you one last time. Things like these are very difficult to express in words. With the great amount of agony I have in me, my heart still remains empty without you. Your death came as a terrible black hole in my life which has engulfed each and every bit of my happiness. Loneliness, nostalgia and melancholy are my forever companions now. Your absence has made me lifeless. Wish I could really turn the tide of events and change the present.

ShadesOfLife