Sometimes, staying strong for too long can backfire. So maybe the problem isn’t that you’re feeling vulnerable right now. Maybe the problem is that you’ve felt pressured to stay strong for too long. You’ve been holding in your emotions. You’ve been wearing a brave face. You’ve been acting like everything is perfectly fine and you’ve been going about your days like normal when a million things are wrong. You can’t play pretend forever. Eventually, you were bound to break.
Sometimes, the strongest thing you can do is admit you’re struggling. You don’t have to do everything on your own. You don’t have to push other people away in the name of independence. There’s nothing wrong with showing your vulnerability, expressing your emotions, and asking for help. You shouldn’t be ashamed of whatever you’re currently experiencing. Everyone goes through rough times. Everyone hits rock bottom sooner or later. The best thing you can do when you’re feeling low is admit that you don’t have all the answers and could use a little help.
Remember, real strength isn’t about looking like you have your shit together. Real strength is about being honest with yourself and taking the steps necessary to better yourself.
Its the hardest thing in the world to know everything about a person and then trying to forget it. All the vivid details. How they eat an egg roll with great interest. How they want a sookha golgappa with only dahi at the end. How they only liked their chai when head bursts with work. Random stories and tales they once told you .Why they think chapp is one of the best things to have and how green chillies are the worst when they come in the mouth. What makes them smile and how certain memories show up as ghosts in the graveyards of their eyes . Why love for them happens everyday is difficult to understand .
It’s like living in their universe and realising they are the sun.
There is a void between remembering and forgetting and all of us just hang there .You keep waiting that someday this wouldn’t hurt anymore and maybe they will come back. It’s a thing we human do fantasize Because reality is a cesspool of tragedies and living here is a nightmare . So you wish upon a shooting star that they come back but they never do .
Forgetting sometimes hurts more than leaving .
In our memories it never ends we just stay there wishing dreaming and laughing forever.
Science talks about the concept of Muscle
memory. Our muscles always remember moments. Your arms will always bend when you see them , your right eye will twitch when they are near and your lips will always mould themselves to say i love you. You will extend your right hand but there will not be a hand to hold yours. So you will keep waving it mid air suspended like half fulfilled promises. All of this is a signal that our bodies were designed to save and store things and when you try to forget something you are distrupting the equilibrium .
Maybe its the universe screaming that staying will hurt but so will forgetting .
What does a heartbreak sound like?
Your heart is sensitive,
Does it cry loud
When broken into pieces?
Does it experience
Multiple feelings at the same time?
Does it also feel empty and heavy
At some point of time?
Yes it does.
Is it less than a sign of a heartbreak?
Is it not what sad poetry sounds like?
Yet you ask me,
What does a heartbreak feel like so
Let me tell you,
Emotions run down your spine,
Making the time go slow,
The day and the night
Are of the same length,
Old days, old memories
Get on your nerves
Sticking to your heart and soul
Just like a permanent tattoo.
The hurricane of winds
Paves their way through the
Making your mind think
Of your mistakes.
It sounds like the dusty book
That is willing to get cleaned
It’s like the dew drops
Waiting for an aura of petrichor.
Neither does it cry aloud
Nor does it stay silent.
It tells you variety of poetries
By bleeding chronicles
Of agony and distress.
It narrates the story of those dried flowers
Of the spring that urge you
To water them with purity
So that they can bloom
In the garden of love.
It’s like those unfinished tales
Waiting to complete itself.
A broken heart just resembles
The dark sky with meteors
Wanting to shine bright again
And shower the rains of happiness
Again in your life.
It feels that the sun has sunk
Forever leaving our soul in
The pool of darkness all alone.
Let me tell you,
It sounds like the heart is
Lifeless and is craving
For its life again.
Ask those who have experienced
A heartbreak by trusting others,
By putting their heart and soul on stake
They are still trying to get out of the formidable hurdles,
Candles of love and hope
Light in their heart
They’re just bearing the pain
Without uttering a single word.
We are not born to die! What are you talking about; do you think a book begins just to finish? Do you think a song opens with a beautiful chord just for it to end? You don’t read the book to finish it, you read the book to eat up the excitement and the emotions it evokes. To learn and to digest and to fall in love and be heartbroken. You listen to the song to dance and dance and sing your throat raw. To cry and smile and swell with the harmonies. Yes, we are born with the inevitable fate of death, we are mortal after all, but that is merely the finale of the play; the final act, the closing of the curtains. We are not born to take a bow and exit stage left; we are born to love and be joyous and yell and move and learn and cry and feel, feel, feel!
We are not born to die, silly, we’re born to live.
Craving for some fresh air can come anytime
And my sleep cycle is anyway messed up enough
Getting out of my house
Walking on the road, just drenched in the rain
It’s a good weather maybe
Maybe it’s the way of nature having her own breakdown
These maybes are killing me right now
The n number of possibilities running in my mind
In the Hustle bustle of my own
I hit the vacuum or maybe some whitespace of absolute nothingness
As I look down the road…
“Are we parallel lines?”
Meeting at no point?
Just like some railway track
But walking by each other’s sides
With the same passion and love
Now all of a sudden all I want is this road to merge
And this becomes my greatest urge
Cause for me it’s no more just roads or railway tracks
It’s You and I
It’s this fixed distance between us tearing me apart
I’m fighting in my head to merge or mold to make these roads concile in a single line
Seems like sleep is not the only thing I’m lacking today, its air too
Pretty glad about this soothing breeze
I was not really great at maths
But I remember coincident lines are parallel too
Just with all the points similar
Which again feels hard to attain
But I am not gonna get this single hope in vain
Or should I wait to meet at infinity?
Today, I learnt an important lesson from my therapist.
At the end of our hour, she told me that although I’ve been hurt and broken badly, she can see I still have parts that aren’t shattered.
I laughed lightly and I said ‘Yeah, one day that will be all of me, no parts shattered anymore”, And she said ‘No, it won‘t.”
And, for a second, I felt my heart break but she continued. “But it will be the most dominant part of you. Think of your body if you break your shoulder, even after it heals it will be tender. It will be a sore spot. You will be careful with it. There will be a gentleness when you care for it. If you crack a rib, laughing will hurt and, even after there is no longer a fracture, you may laugh lighterjust in case. You can heal, but it is okay to be aware of the parts of you that once hurt the most. The most important thing to know is that where there is tenderness, let there be gentleness.”
Sharing is an essential part of letting go. It helps you to let your emotions flow, realise why you feel a certain way and be true to yourself.
I always thought that I should never let people see my vulnerabilities, so I never shared. But there has to be someone in front of whom you can cry your heart out, with whom you can share all that you want to.
So if there is something that’s been bothering you, talk to a friend in whom you trust or a therapist and
let it all out. Don’t let these unresolved issues and feelings make you anxious.
Blinking hard, sitting in the lone corner of my room. The blank page in front of me is staring back at me, that too in a similar frowned gaze. I roll my pen up & down the desk against my calloused fingers. I close my eyes and try to focus.
My shadow, is cast on the wall by the light from the lamp on my desk. It is a quiet night. My room is lit up by the luminance of the lamp, the dullness merges effortlessly with it. I’m still trying to think.
My fingers are rolling in my hair, like curling them. The page is still glaring at me, seems as if it is curling its lips into a vicious smile, judging me— i can hear the clock ticking, louder than my thoughts.
I’m thinking now. I guess I can now feel the pieces are coming together. The blank page in front of me; was it an indication that I’d finally leave behind a whole lot of past?
3:00 AM Sadness often pushes you to extents that pull out a particular art of misery and gloom from somewhere within, where there’s no light or air. Am I happy now? Maybe, a little. Sometimes it becomes too difficult to judge your own thoughts, this is life I guess. Hard, cruel, vulnerable and ruthless!
It was always too tough to take our eyes off him when he was on screen. When he was around everything faded, yet Irrfan Khan never claimed the spotlight.
It is generally said that superheroes don’t always wear capes. But Irrfan wore many. He was Maqbool. He was Billu. He was Monty. He was Saajan Fernandes. He was all these people and we believed him all the time. Be it The Lunchbox, Quarib Quarib Single, English Medium, Blackmail or Angrezi Medium; he left no stone untouched in proving his meetle.
Today, we are in a world where normalcy is tossed out the window and grief hits harder. This loss feels massive and personal as we have lived many lives with the many lives Irrfan lived.
Stories are immortal and so is he.
There are different kinds of people in this world. Some know exactly what it is they want to do and they’ve known forever. There are others who haven’t quite figured it out yet. Both of these kinds, believe it or not face the fear of what the future holds at various times through their life.
For the ones that have it all figured out, fear what if things don’t go as planned.
For the ones that are on their journey to find their passion, fear sets in the form of uncertainty.
Either way, no matter what happens, you’ll be okay.
Find peace and happiness in the journey to finding it because once you do, life’s got all good things in store for you.
I wonder if I’d have shouted my love for you from the rooftops, maybe the birds would have heard me, maybe they would’ve echoed it to the stars.
The stars would then share my love for you with the moon and the moon would undoubtedly pour my heart out to God. And maybe, maybe then in God’s voice you would have understood how much I love you. There aren’t enough letters in each alphabet of every language to explain how I feel about your existence. To explain how I feel about you.
Hope is a song i wrote for you,
now i’m stripping it off lyric by lyric.
Misery is a nothing-town sleeping
over the grave of heartbreaks.
i’m that grave.
Falling for someone is standing
on the edge
and dancing with the devil.
whoever falls first, wins.
My feet are bleeding.
I lost, like I always do.
Staying back is like winning
a lottery, but
only when they want you to stay.
you don’t want me to, do you?
Asking you to stay is like
keeping my heart in a blender
and handing it over to you.
Rest is our history, shattered.
i won’t disappoint.
s(t)ay, i am a fool.
s(t)ay, you love me.
s(t)ay, we will survive.
s(t)ay, you want us to work.
s(t)ay, i’m hopeless.
s(t)ay, it’s me who needs to leave.
My thoughts very often sprint in circles. Always falling back to the place they began from.
All triggered at the
slightest touch of reality
and imagination both.
What was that you last said?
I keep trying to recall for
your first goodbye wasn’t our last.
You come and go.
You come and go.
Tell me if there’s an end to this,
I’d want to try that because
this feels as if you holding
a knife right in front my chest.
Tell me what does it do.
Tell me why do you this.
Wondering is a part of our being.
And our being is another
wonder to the nature.
I think and think and think hard
and harder because
circles have no corners
or edges to press pause for a while.
They keep running and the
wondering never stops.
As though it were you.
I can’t think anymore.
Memory is a strange thing if you ask me. How many times I’ve entered a room and found myself staring at the wall, not knowing what I came there for.
They say that warning sirens ring just moment before we drown. But you see I’m like Titanic that took 180 minutes to drown. And I’ve been drowning for the past numerous days. Ask a lover and you’ll know that memory is a strange thing. And whenever I’ve tried to let you in it you’ve always clawed your way out and resisted to get back in.
It’s been days since I felt any kind of moisture in my eyes. They say when the heart becomes heavey our eyes let the pain out. But maybe that’s the problem I don’t wanna let it out, none of it. Maybe the pain is a part of loving you. And maybe that’s why no matter how far I go, I’ll always return to this feeling of your presence. Somewhere, deep in me where I’ll sit and let all the memories dissolve into me.
You will have some bad days, weeks and may be months. But you will have to understand that happiness comes in waves and there has never been an ocean totally frozen.
It may get worse, but believe that eventually it will get better. It always does. Your growth is not defined by your bad days, you are not defined by your bad days. Take all the time you need to strive from the place you are in now. Everything is temporary and even the darkest times will pass. You will be fine, remember that.
You look at her just as I want you to look at me. It stings right there where you live, I think you know your permanent place by now, my heart; yes it stings right there. It penetrates venom inside me.
But for the sake of my dying heart, I feed myself on the anecdote of lies, that you are looking for ME in HER….
“And then you meet someone and you life changes forever.”
It always haunts me how our time together is running out like grains of sand from my clenched fists. The clock is ticking so fast. I so much want to hold you a bit longer, a bit more tight and how I wish this moment doesn’t become past tense. But do all wishes come true?
I know not what future has in store for us but believe me when I say there will be no day when you will not cross my mind and no second when I will not think of you. My time will halt, to cherish you. Need I say more?
It is exhausting having a heart that melts for those who show even the smallest amount of love. It is exhausting trying to break stone walls when your own soul craves to be held firmly. It is exhausting putting your heart on the sleeve as it is not already torn by those who came before and left.
It is exhausting trying to heal others wounds when you are the one who has been hurt more than words can fanthom. And it is seriously very exhausting feeling all this so deeply when all you wish for is to shut all the open tabs in your mind for some time. It is exhausting when these thoughts pour in your head when all you want is a little solace from the excruciating pain.
Life is just like a beach, where every grain of sand is a small little moment. You are quite busy in searching for shells and oysters and you don’t realize that you have in turn converted it into a dump yard.
Slowly and gradually, that dump yard starts emitting expectations. Expectations from all those people who’ll be leaving you in the upcoming days or months; alone, on the edge of drowning into the water you were supposed to swim in.
But you know what, life is not this. It’s meeting people, talking to them and never meeting them again. I know it’s strange but that is how it is. Life is all about those small moments, the unexpected responses after your tale, the hugs and tears they give you, without even knowing your name.
Life is about a partner you share this loneliness with, for a day or for any random event. It’s about talking to them, when you know deep within that you won’t see them again, ever. Strangers can connect so much and gradually with every passing day become strangers, again.
It’s actually eye-opening, the way life is not just about those relations that are there for you. It’s also about being with some unknown and random people, building these bonds that don’t tangle and then simply leaving it there, with lots of memories.
After ending the relationship, life becomes so depressing. We begin asking ourselves if they ever loved us in the first place, if they ever meant when they said that love never fades away, it is forever.
If you also think so, remember that love does not fade away, people do not change, it is the circumstance, it is the life that takes a turn at the wrong time. So, simply trust them when they tell you that once, they loved you madly, once you were their world, you meant everything for them. Time has its own plans. All you can do is just trust the vibes and let the person go. Let the memories stay, but do not stay entangled in the memories as it would become a chain for your future. Take a look on the brighter side of life and enjoy the little moments because You Only Live Once.
Those pigeons carrying your letters, I have never let them in. I saw them flapping their wings against my windows but I pulled down the shutters and closed the curtains, oblivious to the conditions outside. They were there all night and I found them sprawled on my doorstep the next morning, your letters still held between their beaks. I burned them all down and watched the wind take away their ashes with it.
When I am all by myself, I am sometimes reminded of your bubbling laughter which sounded like the waves breaking against the rocks ashore. I saw the withered roses which were pressed in between the pages of my favorite novel, your name on every one of them and that made me long for you endlessly.
But then I realized it again. Falling for you was like walking on the quagmire, the more I tried to escape, the more I sank into its depths. I’d seen the end the day itself when our eyes had met; two broken hearts which were too shattered to fall in love again and four eyes that were in search of someone who’ll never be with them forever. Ever since I have learned to drive, pain has taken a permanent place on the passenger seat of my car. And I always knew there was nothing but despair, longing and heartbreak at the end of this road.
This is everything that I never said to you when I could. But I promise, every night when I close my eyes, there will always be a prayer on my lips:
May you read it and know it is for you. I hope you know it’s always been just you.
One-sided love is one of the worst things that can happen. After confessing your feelings and getting a negative response from the other side, is it possible to stay as friends? Still being friends is a statement that destroys you over and over again. The question is can you still stay as friends after you have loved someone immensely?
He said we can still be friends but what I don’t understand is how can I look at him when someone else is holding his hand? I can hear my own heart sting with pain shattering into a million pieces so loudly that it deafens me, then how can I look at him when he is walking hand in hand with someone else. How can we still be friends when I have to hide my tears when he talks of her?
I guess he meant we can stay as strangers with distant memories that we don’t remember unless we see them in old pictures. But the fact is we simply can’t be friends when your voice hurts me and it reminds me of all those times we spent together. How can you look at someone you love while that person loves somebody else? Friends don’t look at each other wishing they were something more.
Sometimes the most purest form of love you will find on earth is unexpected love. In such a case, you are not looking for some one to complete you, you are not in search of some one to fill the void, you are just not broken and neither are you looking for a rebound.
One fine day, out of nowhere you meet someone. You know you weren’t looking for him and neither were you expecting him. But you met him and you are happy you did. There is always one lustrous moment just before you realize you have fallen in love and you feel a strong force just like a tornado or a whirlpool which is strong and fierce, yet amazingly inviting.
At times, we feel immense peace in the people we meet on our way because our souls have suffered so much chaos and it feels so much better and peaceful just to talk to them and see them smile. You actually feel very happy when you are around them because they are your inspiration to live. Despite all your flaws and failures, they inspire you to be your true self. They are your soulmates because they have seen the worst in you. They are by your side because they have faith in you and believe that the goodness will always lead you the way. You may have a bumpy ride with them, but these are the people who never leave, who always stick by your side.
Sorry if you feel that this page is slowly turning out to become a rant page. It’s just those mind fuck-ups. Lately I have been thinking a lot about attachments. Do you realize how much you grow attached to a few things like books, people, places? Sometimes, somethings that you are most attached to, end up hurting you.
I always have been very possessive about my books, my people and the places I have been connected to. Some places are you go-to places, you go there when you have a bad day or a good day. Also, you don’t want others to know about that place, because then that place would no longer be yours. You would always want to keep that place a secret. Same is the case with my books. I never lent my books to anyone as I always felt it would disrupt the bond that I share with my book.
At times we stop going to a few places because they remind us of some bitter memories or because we found a better place to call ours. Attachment is also a similar phenomena. The less attached you are, the more peaceful you will be.
Quite funny indeed. We know not what destiny wants from us. When we meet someone it is tough to figure out whether it is destiny, coincidence or pure luck. Same is the case when we lose someone, no matter be it a broken relationship or the loss of a person due to unexpected death, the hardest part to deal with and experience is the vacuum of loss that is felt in the heart.
It feels as if all of a sudden a very important and significant part of our life, which is the most essential for us is taken away. There can be no immediate replacement. What is left behind is a big void. An empty space, a black hole which we simply cannot have any idea of. We start feeling hollow, it is a feeling like suddenly our hearts have been taken away from us. And trust me, this feeling is deadly.
What destiny wants is a question no one has an answer to, but I wish there was an answer to this. Some times you love a person with all your heart and do all the possible things you can to keep him in your life but destiny has other plans for you. You have to leave them because they are not destined to be in your life. And leaving is not easy, especially when you love someone. It’s not tough to leave people behind, it ‘s their memories that haunt.
It’s true when said – ” Tumse milna ittefaq tha, bichadna naseeb.” In English – “Meeting you was a mere coincidence, parting ways was destiny.” But I guess you keep learning when life unfolds itself and evolve during the process.
What destiny wants cannot be known before hand. This reminds me of a famous English couplet that says, “It’s fate that flings the dice and when it flings/ Of kings makes peasants and of peasants makes kings.” True indeed!