Initially I used to wonder “Kyu Nahi ma, Saari duniya tere tarah.” This world is not much of a beautiful place as you think it is. You come to this world through one support and that’s your mother, who is your God, your creator, your lifeline. But what when your lifeline is no longer with you.
Well, since she has left life has changed drastically. My days don’t go well and my mind sometimes stays in a muddle. But you know what helps? I take out her picture, and put it aside me. I talk to her and it releases all the discomfort I face. At times I wonder what mothers are born with? A real magical power or a lap that has the purest love?
As children we always fail to understand your love but you are the only one who can love unconditionally. I guess, writers and philosophers still fail to describe mother’s love because you come in so many different shades. Wherever you are I wish you are in peace Mum. I miss you Amma is just a daily phrase now because no words can ever express how empty I feel without you.
Ending with just one line, “Kabhi ho Nahi sakti ma, Saari duniya teri tarah” .
It is again the 1st of February. The most dreaded day of my life. The day I wish never shows up on the calendar. The day I want to be deleted forever! This was the very day I lost my mother, or I should say my life.
So, on a very precise note, 2190 days without you and it feels like an entire lifespan. So tough it was to believe that I will never be able to hug you, kiss you hear you; but eventually, I learned to live with this truth of my life. It hits hard at times trust me, not at all something I will able be able to cope with my entire life. But that is how it goes I guess. Somehow, with time you get the strength to cope with the loss.
Death indeed is the saddest reality of life. The one and the only thing which shivers me from inside. Today, after around 2190 days without you, I feel like your memories are my life’s only solace. Needless to say, how much I miss your presence, I would certainly not be exaggerating if I say your absence kills me from inside. 2190 days is a fairly long span of time. But I still feel if it’s just yesterday when the entire chain of events took the life out of me in just a few hours. My life was no longer worth living, it felt meaningless. No matter whatever I do to move away from this pain; my heart knows that it is a task which I will never be successful at. This void will never be filled and it is never-ending grief I will have to live with all throughout my life.
Deep down in my heart, I will always know that I can never hug you again. That feeling kills me each second. After I lost you, mourning has become a way of life for me. The beautiful memories we spent together make me smile; only till the time I realize you are no longer here. I miss you so so much, I wish I could ever do something for you, I wanted to take all your pain away. I wish I could do all that which made you happy. Time was never benevolent enough to give me a chance. Your death was a tough lesson to me that life is so uncertain. I wish destiny had this lesson conveyed to me in a different manner.
Today as I pen down my feelings, I realize why you always wished I was strong; because you knew that one day I would be needing the strength to bear your loss. I so wish to meet you to see you one last time. Things like these are very difficult to express in words. With the great amount of agony I have in me, my heart still remains empty without you. Your death came as a terrible black hole in my life which has engulfed each and every bit of my happiness. Loneliness, nostalgia and melancholy are my forever companions now. Your absence has made me lifeless. Wish I could really turn the tide of events and change the present.