Realisation in 2024

It is just the beginning of the new year. Happy or sad, God knows. What’s in store this year for me is something I am actually clueless about right now.

But sitting alone staring at the ceiling just bought in some random thoughts. Very random. Realisations I would say. That too at the start of this new year.

If life is temporary, then how can anyone be permanent?

Each & everything, everyone, every relationship, every achievement is temporary. So never expect anyone to be there with you permanently. Let them go. The sooner this realisation dawns in the better it is.

#ShadesofLife

Destined to Live, Not Leave

Almost an year ago, I was diagnosed Covid positive. It was April last year when the Horrible Covid Monster found my address & shook me from within. Initially I thought home quarantine would be sufficient but who knew destiny had something else in store for me.

My condition deteriorated bit by bit & my online doctor declared that I needed to be admitted asap. “We need to save her from going on the ventilator,” were his exact words that he said to my father.

My situation was critical; finding hospitals & gradually being refused by each & every one of them as they had no more room. My oxygen level kept dipping & I was eventually losing my senses. My near & dear ones were busy arranging a hospital bed for me & finally with the efforts of my relatives ( who are no less than parents to me) I was allowed admission in one.

Dr. Ashish Ratanpal, my doc in charge was kind enough to accommodate a highly critical patient and make room for me in the ICU. I remember being taken to the ICU immediately when I was finding it hard to breathe even with an oxygen mask on.

Every morning he would come and examine me with a smile on his face saying the same words – ” Hello Beta, kaise ho? You will be fine. Stay strong. You are a brave girl. ” It is true when they say that your doctor is very important in your healing process. Half of your problems vanish in thin air when your doctor has a positive outlook towards your health. Same was the case with me.

I knew it was only the blessing of God & my family along with the treatment & care given by my doctor and his staff that helped me survive, lying still in my ICU bed when nothing else made sense to me. I knew it was hope that kept me going when it seemed far more easier to give up. With the grace of God, I recovered under his treatment and after spending almost 12 days in ICU, I was discharged.

This blog is not about the 2 weeks when Covid took a toll on me. Those 2 weeks are still a blur. Those feelings are still too excruciating to bottle up. This is an appreciation and thank you post for my doctor and the entire community of doctors who are giving their service selflessly. Doctors are indeed a replica of God as we call them, or who else has the power to bring a dying soul back to life.

I leave you with these 2 brilliant quotes at the end-

Medicines cure diseases, but only doctors can cure patients.

– Carl Jung

We are the sum total of our experiences – those experiences be it positive or negative make us the person we are, at any given point in our lives & like a flowing river, those same experiences & those yet to come, continue to influence and reshape the person we are and the person we become. None of us are the same as we were yesterday, nor will be tomorrow.

– BJ Neblett

–ShadesofLife

Que Sera Sera

Being calm and peaceful when everything is calm and peaceful, has no meaning. When everything is absolutely fine and quiet, being peaceful has no meaning, but when everything is falling apart, then being quiet and peaceful – that peace has value.
.

A bottle of water has more worth in a desert than when you are surrounded by water. When you are sitting by a spring, then a bottle of water is of no value to you. One handful from the spring is good enough to quench your thirst.
.

When people blame you, when they don’t understand you, that’s when you need the inner strength to smile. When things don’t go the way you want them to, that’s when you need the endurance, the strength and. courage to remain unperturbed. What brings that courage in you is exactly what Krishna said: equanimity is the test of your yoga.
.

Just observe, how your mind goes, how it flares up, for nothing! How it creates a mess all around. One moment it’s high, another moment it’s down.

–ShadesofLife

Rain…

Today it’s raining here and I’m sitting in the balcony just enjoying the rain. I don’t know why, I have this love story with rain that goes back to when I was just a kid. I love rain and it’s an emotion that’s as pure as love for me.

In my every starry fantasy, rain has played an important role. I imagined sitting on a veranda, a record player playing an old song. I would be sitting with a cup of coffee, enjoying the rain while humming along to songs that just doesn’t make you feel good, but makes you feel like you are breathing along with them.

Right now while I’m sitting on the patio, I’m listening to an old hit. Eyes closed ’cause I think I feel content. Life is full of so many unanswered questions, uncertainty, so many things that make me scared to face the future, that I just forget to live in the moment most of the times, to just breathe and be content in a moment that I will never get back. I think there is this race to scramble along to secure a future which has not happened yet that I forget to see the present that this moment is all that is certain. I think lately I have forgotten the better picture that it’s always the little moments that matters.

So today I’m not going to think about anything, like health, my future, my writing, my career, life, death, surviving, anything in between or about all the uncertainty that makes me want to just run and hide. Today I’m just listening to songs that I love and just breathing and finding peace in this moment that’s infinitely beautiful. This moment right here, this feeling that I have in my heart and this sense of being content is perhaps the most honest and beautiful feeling.

–ShadesofLife

Some Tragedies….

Some tragedies don’t look like tragedies, some tragedies look like regular everyday stuff, you know, like laughter at the dinner table right after washing your tears off in the washroom, like going to work everyday and breaking down every night, like birthday parties at broken homes, like crumbling governments celebrating national holidays, some tragedies look normal, like the boy at school who falls asleep in the class because the classroom noise isn’t anywhere close to the fight between his parents, some tragedies look soft, like hating your body but shopping for expensive clothes, some tragedies look kind, like trying to help too many people because no one helps you, some tragedies look fierce, like having control issues because no one at home let you do what you wanted to, some tragedies look pretty, like six figure salaries but no time for dinner, some tragedies look calm, like the smiling salesman at the mall missing his mother all the time, some tragedies don’t look like tragedies.. They look like you, smiling, existing.

–ShadesofLife

Better Yourself

Sometimes, staying strong for too long can backfire. So maybe the problem isn’t that you’re feeling vulnerable right now. Maybe the problem is that you’ve felt pressured to stay strong for too long. You’ve been holding in your emotions. You’ve been wearing a brave face. You’ve been acting like everything is perfectly fine and you’ve been going about your days like normal when a million things are wrong. You can’t play pretend forever. Eventually, you were bound to break.

Sometimes, the strongest thing you can do is admit you’re struggling. You don’t have to do everything on your own. You don’t have to push other people away in the name of independence. There’s nothing wrong with showing your vulnerability, expressing your emotions, and asking for help. You shouldn’t be ashamed of whatever you’re currently experiencing. Everyone goes through rough times. Everyone hits rock bottom sooner or later. The best thing you can do when you’re feeling low is admit that you don’t have all the answers and could use a little help.

Remember, real strength isn’t about looking like you have your shit together. Real strength is about being honest with yourself and taking the steps necessary to better yourself.

–ShadesofLife

Staying will Hurt but so will Forgetting!

Its the hardest thing in the world to know everything about a person and then trying to forget it. All the vivid details. How they eat an egg roll with great interest. How they want a sookha golgappa with only dahi at the end. How they only liked their chai when head bursts with work. Random stories and tales they once told you .Why they think chapp is one of the best things to have and how green chillies are the worst when they come in the mouth. What makes them smile and how certain memories show up as ghosts in the graveyards of their eyes . Why love for them happens everyday is difficult to understand . 

It’s like living in their universe and realising they are the sun. 
There is a void between remembering and forgetting and all of us just hang there .You keep waiting that someday this wouldn’t hurt anymore and maybe they will come back. It’s a thing we human do fantasize Because reality is a cesspool of tragedies and living here is a nightmare . So you wish upon a shooting star that they come back but they never do .

 Forgetting sometimes hurts more than leaving . 
In our memories it never ends we just stay there wishing dreaming and laughing forever. 
Science talks about the concept of Muscle 
memory. Our muscles always remember moments. Your arms will always bend when you see them , your right eye will twitch when they are near and your lips will always mould themselves to say i love you. You will extend your right hand but there will not be a hand to hold yours. So you will keep waving it mid air suspended like half fulfilled promises. All of this is a signal that our bodies were designed to save and store things and when you try to forget something you are distrupting the equilibrium . 
Maybe its the universe screaming that staying will hurt but so will forgetting .

–ShadesofLife

Heartbreak’s Sound

What does a heartbreak sound like?
Your heart is sensitive,
Isn’t it?
Does it cry loud
When broken into pieces?
Does it experience
Multiple feelings at the same time?
Does it also feel empty and heavy
At some point of time?
Yes it does.

Is it less than a sign of a heartbreak?
Is it not what sad poetry sounds like?
Yet you ask me,
What does a heartbreak feel like so
Let me tell you,

Emotions run down your spine,
Making the time go slow,
The day and the night
Are of the same length,
Old days, old memories
Get on your nerves
Sticking to your heart and soul
Just like a permanent tattoo.

The hurricane of winds
Paves their way through the
Polluted atmosphere
Making your mind think
Of your mistakes.
It sounds like the dusty book
That is willing to get cleaned
Once again.
It’s like the dew drops
Waiting for an aura of petrichor.

Neither does it cry aloud
Nor does it stay silent.
It tells you variety of poetries
By bleeding chronicles
Of agony and distress.
It narrates the story of those dried flowers
Of the spring that urge you
To water them with purity
So that they can bloom
In the garden of love.
It’s like those unfinished tales
Waiting to complete itself.

A broken heart just resembles
The dark sky with meteors
Wanting to shine bright again
And shower the rains of happiness
Again in your life.
It feels that the sun has sunk
Forever leaving our soul in
The pool of darkness all alone.
And yes,
Let me tell you,
It sounds like the heart is
Lifeless and is craving
For its life again.

Ask those who have experienced
A heartbreak by trusting others,
By putting their heart and soul on stake
They are still trying to get out of the formidable hurdles,
Candles of love and hope
Light in their heart
They’re just bearing the pain
Without uttering a single word.

–ShadesofLife

Pain💔

The thing about pain is it’s never beautiful. You find yourself wallowing in a puddle of bitterness. So, you don’t
repulse the next time you sip that sugarless coffee. Or when you drag that unfiltered hand-rolled cigar.
The unsavoury doesn’t concern
you anymore. Because it runs in
your veins like blood.

You don’t cry nostalgically for happiness, because you have never been to its place. You crinkle like a paper
in a fist and cry quietly, but not for yourself; for the blue sky, so breathtaking yet sad, like poetry.

You drink poison hoping to die, but instead, it finds an abode inside you. There’s a flower in your garden that bleeds green; it pricks you and your red turns everything into yellow. You turn to art, thinking, it’ll rescue you from your malady. And that’s when you realise; art isn’t going to heal your scars, it’ll just make them more presentable.

–ShadesofLife

Born to Live!

We are not born to die! What are you talking about; do you think a book begins just to finish? Do you think a song opens with a beautiful chord just for it to end? You don’t read the book to finish it, you read the book to eat up the excitement and the emotions it evokes. To learn and to digest and to fall in love and be heartbroken. You listen to the song to dance and dance and sing your throat raw. To cry and smile and swell with the harmonies. Yes, we are born with the inevitable fate of death, we are mortal after all, but that is merely the finale of the play; the final act, the closing of the curtains. We are not born to take a bow and exit stage left; we are born to love and be joyous and yell and move and learn and cry and feel, feel, feel! ⁣
We are not born to die, silly, we’re born to live.

–ShadesofLife

Myself ❤️

When I was a little girl
I planed my perfect world
And lived in a palace in my dreams
Then heartbreak came along
And plans went completely wrong
Life’s just not as easy as it seems

But look at me now
I’m still dreaming
Still believing in myself
Look at me now, I’m still dreaming
Still believing in myself

Searching for someone
Who would be the one to fit
In the picture that I planned
The jigsaw puzzle piece
To make my dream complete was always sin in my head

But look at me now
I’m still dreaming
Still believing in myself
When I was a little girl
I planned my perfect world
And lived in a palace in my dreams

–ShadesofLife

As You Like It!

Take your time to rest. The world has put too much on your plate. You don’t have to eat everything. Remember what you don’t like. Remember what hurts your stomach. Remember what you are allergic to. Remember what isn’t good for your heart. Hold this knowledge close, think, reflect, savour and choose to let go when your heart is full.

Be silent for your own sake. You have already taken responsibility for too many wars. Your skin is chipping away to someone else’s ruin. Save it for the rest of your world.

The world has put too much on your plate, you don’t have to deal with it all at once.

–ShadesofLife

Happy Birthday Mommy

I unturned the hourglass upside down
Sand descending back to the ground
And as the things undo themselves within
My bed sheets are back to uptight, spread fine
The pillow has dried up
As if it was never soaked from the tears
And my eyes
My eyes, no more look like a red dawn sun
As if mourning the death of a loved one
It’s normal again, like they deserve to be
The blood slowly dripping down my leg
Just took rewind, and is back in vein
The scars, the marks have disappeared
With a beautiful golden honey skin
There’s no more chaos in the room
Like it was some battlefield
Books are back in shelf, so clean it is
Like it just renewed itself

Time will heal
Things around
I knew it always

But the depth of my heart has will no more
To trust the time or its glory for that course
Rightly said you can never get over the pain of losing someone close to you, you somehow learn to live with it.

And for me, she was my whole life. Happiest birthday Mommy 🎂

–ShadesofLife

Are We Parallel Lines?

Craving for some fresh air can come anytime
And my sleep cycle is anyway messed up enough
Getting out of my house
Walking on the road, just drenched in the rain
It’s a good weather maybe
Maybe it’s the way of nature having her own breakdown
These maybes are killing me right now
The n number of possibilities running in my mind
In the Hustle bustle of my own
I hit the vacuum or maybe some whitespace of absolute nothingness
As I look down the road…
“Are we parallel lines?”
Meeting at no point?
Just like some railway track
But walking by each other’s sides
With the same passion and love
Now all of a sudden all I want is this road to merge
And this becomes my greatest urge
Cause for me it’s no more just roads or railway tracks
It’s You and I
It’s this fixed distance between us tearing me apart
I’m fighting in my head to merge or mold to make these roads concile in a single line
Seems like sleep is not the only thing I’m lacking today, its air too

Pretty glad about this soothing breeze
I was not really great at maths
But I remember coincident lines are parallel too
Just with all the points similar
Which again feels hard to attain
But I am not gonna get this single hope in vain
Or should I wait to meet at infinity?

–ShadesofLife

Live in Your Present

Most people are either living in the past or living in the future, but never in the present moment; and there’s nothing wrong with spending time in a place that once existed or a place that hasn’t been created, but don’t miss the present moment. Because living in the past stops you from moving forward, and living in the future stops you from living in the moment. Aristotle once said, young men talk about the future because they have no past; but old men talk about the past because they have no future.
The past and the future are a gift, but what can turn them into a burden is the way we perceive them, how long we remain in them, and how we spend our time with them. My invitation to you..is to visit the past, visit the future, but live the present moment.

–ShadesofLife

Whom Are You Running From?

I brushed my teeth
twice
before I realised;
it was impossible to
get rid of the
taste of guilt.

I gulped down
two
glasses of water
before I realised;
you cannot wash
down regret.

I tried to breathe
inhale
hold
exhale
repeat
before I realised;
I was the one
burning.

I had a white toast
to calm my
churning stomach
before I realised;
you can only watch storms.
Watch as they ruin
homes, and lives, and everything.
everything they touch.

I shut my ears
listened to music
before I realised;
the thunder of my thoughts
was louder than
all the songs merged into one.

I tried to close my eyes
and escape,
before I realised;
you can’t escape
from each and everything.

There are some situations where you have to accept the truth. Whom do you run to
when you’re running
from yourself?

–ShadesofLife

Dark & Flawless

Today, I learnt an important lesson from my therapist. ⁣
At the end of our hour, she told me that although I’ve been hurt and broken badly, she can see I still have parts that aren’t shattered. ⁣
I laughed lightly and I said ‘Yeah, one day that will be all of me, no parts shattered anymore”, And she said ‘No, it won‘t.”⁣
And, for a second, I felt my heart break but she continued. “But it will be the most dominant part of you. Think of your body if you break your shoulder, even after it heals it will be tender. It will be a sore spot. You will be careful with it. There will be a gentleness when you care for it. If you crack a rib, laughing will hurt and, even after there is no longer a fracture, you may laugh lighterjust in case. You can heal, but it is okay to be aware of the parts of you that once hurt the most. The most important thing to know is that where there is tenderness, let there be gentleness.” ⁣
⁣
–ShadesofLife

Progress & Not Perfection

Focus on PROGRESS and not on PERFECTION ! 🍃
.
When we try to do everything perfectly, we risk getting so hung up on details that we lose a sight of what we are trying to achieve in the first place ! 🌿
.
So don’t worry about being PERFECT. Even if you have to stumble a little or improvise here or there along the way, as long as you get to know where you want to go, you are golden !! ✨
.
🍁With this sending you’ll lots of love and positivity 🌸

–ShadesofLife

Positivity is Toxic at Times

Often heard people consoling :
“Everything is fine” even when it’s not.
“Don’t overthink, just be happy” as if it’s just that easy.
“Don’t be sad” like that will help.
“Just stop thinking about it” like that will heal it.
“Always be happy” when it’s literally impossible to be always happy. We get sad sometimes & it’s completely natural.
“Don’t think about suicide, you’re a happy person.” like those thoughts are in our control.
“You shouldn’t be depressed, you have everything” like depression is a choice.

“Just chill” doesn’t work every time. When something bad happens that makes you sad or when you lose something/someone, not thinking about it or simply distracting from it is not the solution. Most people do this because they find the escape much easier than to feel those negative emotions.

But it is not a good practice. We may feel better in the moment but in the long run, it suppresses our emotions, develops anxiety and detaches us from our emotions and feelings. Isn’t it okay to be sad? I guess it is okay to feel any kind of negative emotions. Having the power to confront your own self is not a small thing.

You might feel your way is easier, that escaping and hiding your pain with a smile is better. Maybe you’ll even say that there are no side effects from it. But it’s not so. You don’t see them because you choose not to. But they are all inside you. It might be low self-esteem, inability to sustain healthy relationships, endless feeling of loneliness, or unreasonable anger. But it’s all there. Better vent out and let your emotions flow because no one can be positive at all times.

–ShadesofLife

Trust Yourself!

Self-doubt, lack of confidence, not believing you are good enough, and aiming for perfectionism can block you from attempting anything. It can create a fear of failure. This fear holds you back and you might not even have the courage to try. When you don’t try, you inevitably always fail.
It is a negative feedback loop, because when you fail, it is confirming your self belief that you aren’t good enough and again you will not ontinue to try.

Luckily the opposite is also true. When you believe you are good enough, you don’t strive for perfection but just to be enough. You are hopeful and give it a go. Even if you then fail, you had a chance at success and you would have always learned from it.

As Brene Brown says, when you are not sure if you should or shouldn’t do something, ask yourself:
Is it worth doing, even if I fail?

–ShadesofLife

Change..

Please remember that as you go through challenging moments in your life, you may not be able to change the people around you. Perhaps they will be rooted in their ways, perhaps they will have hearts that are hardened and slow to listen, or perhaps they are afraid of what will happen if they let go of what they’ve held for so long.⠀
⠀
It is not your job to change someone who is unwilling to change — not in perspectives, not in attitudes, and not even in love. But nothing can be changed that is not faced, so remind yourself that the fight is worth having, even when it’s hard.

–ShadesofLife

Dark

While I was standing alone in the darkness, this lightened lamp caught my attention. I could see my faint shadow painted on a wall by the light of this lamp. As the stormy winds were playing with the flame, my shadow was trembling too.

I watched the little lamp fight with the darkness, betraying the strength of its own and also the depth of the darkness. The blowing breeze tilted the triumph towards darkness, and from the struggle of the shivering flame, I could see that the lamp would die any time soon. But surprisingly, the flame got its balance back. Perhaps it was the magic of firm determination of not giving up, and now the lamp stood still against the dark in this “looking impossible to win” battle. I was astonished by the toil, the little lamp had gone through without a dwindle and I surely was impressed with the arrogant behaviour the lamp showed towards the uncanny dark. But now I think, what choice did the lamp have?

Isn’t life like this sometimes? It drags us into the battle we don’t want to fight and leaves us no choice. We can’t run away no matter how tired we are because of this war. You don’t see victory near, but that can’t be the reason you give up. The only escape way, is through.

But does the battle make us stronger in the end? I don’t know. Perhaps, I’m still in between the war. But you remember the lamp, it shone the brightest when the darkness was at its peak.

–ShadesofLife

Let it Out…

Sharing is an essential part of letting go. It helps you to let your emotions flow, realise why you feel a certain way and be true to yourself.

I always thought that I should never let people see my vulnerabilities, so I never shared. But there has to be someone in front of whom you can cry your heart out, with whom you can share all that you want to.
So if there is something that’s been bothering you, talk to a friend in whom you trust or a therapist and
let it all out. Don’t let these unresolved issues and feelings make you anxious.

–ShadesofLife

Hole in The Heart

I am so tired of being strong. I’m so tired of saying that it’s okay every time someone treats me badly. I’m tired of being the bigger person and always making excuses for other people. I’m tired of constantly proving how much people mean to me when they won’t do the same.

It’s difficult, isn’t it? Having a big heart, and the ability to forgive so quickly and easily, being the one that always tries their very best to make others happy. And still getting hurt, getting taken for granted and being left behind as though you didn’t mean anything. That’s the thing about being a good person – you give yourself so many excuses to look out for others that you forget to look out for yourself.

And in the end, when they get everything that they wanted, and they start to walk away without looking back in your direction – you are the one who’s left with a hole in your chest where your heart should have been.

–ShadesofLife

There is No ONE Reason for Suicide!

No one kills him self because of one breakup, one failure or one lockdown. There is no ONE REASON for suicide. It is like a cancer of thoughts and only empathy or support is the treatment.

It’s the years of hopelessness, worthlessness, inner fight, internal conflict, one cannot imagine a roller coaster ride from dark to light and dark again.
And years and years and years of apathy from the society and near and dear ones towards mental health that a person loses battle with depression and ends his life. It’s not easy to hang yourself, just imagine the amount of mental torture and pain.
There is no one reason for suicide. RIP Sushant Singh Rajput.

Open up, talk to your near ones. Mental health is the most important.

–ShadesofLife

Human Emotions

A blindman who is walking with a stick, You know whichever direction you move his stick, he will begin to walk.

Because he has no sense of Direction.

It’s the same story with Human Emotions. Whichever direction you move the sentiments, it will get shifted.

No Wise Thinking.

Emotion is a Gift to Humanity, but if it has no direction it’s just a mere Feeling which gets Surfaced with whatever is shown to us.

If you show something in Good light all will say Good. You show something in Bad light all will say Bad. That is why it is easy to Influence Minds.

–ShadesofLife

People…

People are like stories.
Different kinds, different durations,
Different endings.

You think of some and smile.
You wish for some to always be with you.
You try to distance yourself from some.
And you try to keep some so close
that it blurs your vision.

Some feel real, others feel like a bubble blown by the sun at night.
Some hold your hand and make you feel alive,
others make you realize about
the part inside you that has
now been long dead.

You want to place the memory
of some in your wallet while
you regret meeting some.

Such is life!

Such are people!

–ShadesofLife

Would You?

A bug collides with your car window
And I wonder if the bug is like me
Ready to die for a chance to stare
Ready to die, if only you’d care
I find myself holding my breath
Stealing glances of your gaze
I find myself counting to ten
Each time you turn your face
I carry an extra pen
I carry an umbrella everyday
I carry an extra bottle
I carry my heart in my hand
Hoping to find your gaze
Tell me, if it all came falling
Would you wonder how I am doing
Tell me, if the world was ending Would you ask me how I am doing!

–ShadesofLife

Firefly Lost in Woods

Why cant i fly away
with these winds,
like those hummingbirds
and just disappear into the horizon
and land in a new world
where it rains most of the time,
where light and hope doesn’t
come in intangible fragments.
where happiness is not
scarce like kindness in the world

Where I feel alive, where I can breathe openly.

–ShadesofLife

Explore Your Inner Self!

“Humankind has not woven the web of life.We are but one thread within it.Whatever we do to the web we do to ourselves.All things are bound together. All things connect.” – Chief Seattle

These times have made the interconnectedness of life more and more apparent. The thread of life that connects you, me and everyone else. Lets embrace this fabric ; out of which we all are created and its called life.

P.s when u cant go out(which u strictly should not)..go within. Take a deep dive in your inner self and evolve!

–ShadesofLife

Happy Mother’s Day Mum!

Initially I used to wonder “Kyu Nahi ma, Saari duniya tere tarah.” This world is not much of a beautiful place as you think it is. You come to this world through one support and that’s your mother, who is your God, your creator, your lifeline. But what when your lifeline is no longer with you.

Well, since she has left life has changed drastically. My days don’t go well and my mind sometimes stays in a muddle. But you know what helps? I take out her picture, and put it aside me. I talk to her and it releases all the discomfort I face. At times I wonder what mothers are born with? A real magical power or a lap that has the purest love?
As children we always fail to understand your love but you are the only one who can love unconditionally. I guess, writers and philosophers still fail to describe mother’s love because you come in so many different shades. Wherever you are I wish you are in peace Mum. I miss you Amma is just a daily phrase now because no words can ever express how empty I feel without you.
Ending with just one line, “Kabhi ho Nahi sakti ma, Saari duniya teri tarah” .

–ShadesofLife

Array of Nothingness

You can try to put your
feelings & nightmares in a bottle
and throw it out in the ocean
and you hope that it goes away,
you hope that it never
comes back to you,
but it always comes back
and you know it,
it never goes away,
just like sunshine in the morning
it somehow manages
to come back everyday.

–ShadesofLife

Inked…

Sometimes when two people are together for a long time, they might decide to get each other’s names inked on their bodies. Isn’t it weird that, that ink will be nothing but a bunch of meaningless letters if their connection isn’t genuine?
If they suddenly decide to split up in the unforeseen future, that ink will be nothing but a painful memory. A memory about someone who they used to love unconditionally, someone they wanted to build a home with.

What is one supposed to do if their dreams burned right in front of them and the contingent scar was so deep that it might just never fade away?

It is a known fact that we all carry our emotional baggage, but are you also carrying someone else’s name inked on your soul?

–ShadesofLife

New Normal? Nope!

The pandemic begins suddenly, violently, recklessly. No one knows what to do. The world goes silent. Not everyone one knows how to deal with isolation. Grief knocks at doors and loneliness welcomes us home. Life comes to standstill and breathing feels heavy.

They say its the beginning of the end. They never taught us how to deal with endings. How do you mourn the dead you never met. What to do with all these funerals you could never attend . 
Helplessness looms on heads and shops run out of masks.
There’s no justice for displaced. How do you stay at home when there’s no home? Too many questions lie unanswered.

Suffering doesn’t seem to end. The funny part is no one knew how badly they want to exist until a virus strain strikes. 
Everyone’s tired of wondering if a vaccine or practicing religion can save them. Will an antibacterial soap wash the blood of everyone they killed on their hands ? Will they someday understand how to stop mourning each morning?

The word positive seems deadlier than ever before. For once in life, everyone wants to be positive that theyare negative. Tough times. Hopeless cases of desperation. 
How do you pray when you don’t know what to pray for?
How do you believe when your beliefs could kill you!

–ShadesofLife

Silent Thoughts

1:00 AM
Blinking hard, sitting in the lone corner of my room. The blank page in front of me is staring back at me, that too in a similar frowned gaze. I roll my pen up & down the desk against my calloused fingers. I close my eyes and try to focus.

1:30 AM
My shadow, is cast on the wall by the light from the lamp on my desk. It is a quiet night. My room is lit up by the luminance of the lamp, the dullness merges effortlessly with it. I’m still trying to think.

2:00 AM
My fingers are rolling in my hair, like curling them. The page is still glaring at me, seems as if it is curling its lips into a vicious smile, judging me— i can hear the clock ticking, louder than my thoughts.

2:30 AM
I’m thinking now. I guess I can now feel the pieces are coming together. The blank page in front of me; was it an indication that I’d finally leave behind a whole lot of past?

3:00 AM Sadness often pushes you to extents that pull out a particular art of misery and gloom from somewhere within, where there’s no light or air. Am I happy now? Maybe, a little. Sometimes it becomes too difficult to judge your own thoughts, this is life I guess. Hard, cruel, vulnerable and ruthless!

–ShadesofLife

This Loss Feels Personal – RIP Legend!

It was always too tough to take our eyes off him when he was on screen. When he was around everything faded, yet Irrfan Khan never claimed the spotlight.

It is generally said that superheroes don’t always wear capes. But Irrfan wore many. He was Maqbool. He was Billu. He was Monty. He was Saajan Fernandes. He was all these people and we believed him all the time. Be it The Lunchbox, Quarib Quarib Single, English Medium, Blackmail or Angrezi Medium; he left no stone untouched in proving his meetle.

Today, we are in a world where normalcy is tossed out the window and grief hits harder. This loss feels massive and personal as we have lived many lives with the many lives Irrfan lived.

Stories are immortal and so is he.

–ShadesofLife

Love is Complicating…

Love is an intense feeling. You can not stop loving someone, just because you cannot be together or because they left. Love isn’t a promise nor an agreement, it doesn’t come with a warranty card or an enquiry desk.
Loving someone is like two edged knife, it’s pain disguised as pleasure and the other way around. Some people will come into your life to tear you apart and some will put you back together way too beautifully. One day you’re gonna wake up next to your loved one and you’ll know that they’ll be there even if you close your eyes. It’ll all make sense then. Wait for it.

You’ll never know when is the last time someone walks in or walks out. So have faith in your love and breathe.

–ShadesofLife

There is Light Within You…

It’s so easy, especially right now, to be afraid — afraid of what tomorrow might bring, of what could go wrong, of all the things that may potentially fall apart. It’s so easy to hold onto the negative, to clutch it within your palm, unwilling to loosen your grip.⠀
⠀
But please, don’t forget the light within you. Don’t forget the potential you have to reshape, to grow, to remold, and to change the world around you. It all starts with your perspective and a willingness to try. It all starts by saying, “Okay, I don’t have control over what’s happening, but I’m still going to love. I’m still going to show up. I’m still going to move forward.”⠀
⠀
Life will undoubtedly give us road blocks and dead-ends, wrong turns and ‘go back four steps’ buttons. But your biggest weapons are your mind and heart. You have the power of what you focus on, the power of what you choose, and the power to begin again. ⠀
⠀
There is light within you.⠀
And it’s brighter than you think.⠀

–ShadesofLife
⠀

Keep Calm & Read Books!

Books.. The wonderful elixir of love, life and everything that connects them.
Books.. The wonder potion that transports you to any place on Earth and beyond, in the time it may take you to blink. Just like that.
Books.. Those thin parchments containing the magic of all the worlds, known and unknown.
Books.. The stories of people and places and events that you may believe you know but never truly know.
Books.. Weaving and binding us all in essence, even though we have never met, maybe never will.
.
Today is World Book Day ladies and gentlemen. Truly our day. And although every day is Book Day for us Book Dragons, but let us acknowledge and appreciate these tiny portals of our souls even more today!

–ShadesofLife

You Will Be Okay!

There are different kinds of people in this world. Some know exactly what it is they want to do and they’ve known forever. There are others who haven’t quite figured it out yet. Both of these kinds, believe it or not face the fear of what the future holds at various times through their life.
For the ones that have it all figured out, fear what if things don’t go as planned.
For the ones that are on their journey to find their passion, fear sets in the form of uncertainty.
Either way, no matter what happens, you’ll be okay.
Find peace and happiness in the journey to finding it because once you do, life’s got all good things in store for you.

–ShadesofLife

This Too Shall Pass

Breathe in simplicity and find your happiness. Take this opportunity to make new memories with your close ones or simply use this time to unwind.
As said by Albus Dumbledore himself, “Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”

–ShadesofLife

A Small Quiet Place

There is no earthly language that could sufficiently capture how I hold you still in my heart, but to put it quite simply, you are to my soul what sunlight is to the surface of the moon. No length of time or distance can sever me from this truth. Among all the hidden treasures of the world there are none I find so fine or lovely as you.

–ShadesofLife

I Feel You…

I wonder if I’d have shouted my love for you from the rooftops, maybe the birds would have heard me, maybe they would’ve echoed it to the stars.

The stars would then share my love for you with the moon and the moon would undoubtedly pour my heart out to God. And maybe, maybe then in God’s voice you would have understood how much I love you. There aren’t enough letters in each alphabet of every language to explain how I feel about your existence. To explain how I feel about you.

–ShadesofLife

In a Room Full of People…

I don’t know how loneliness works. What does it ask for? Just someone or someone specific. I may never be one of those people who can walk into a room full of strangers and still find a friend. I will never be someone whose phone beeps all the time because the world just can’t get enough of me. I can never be someone not lonely. I can never be someone trying to be less lonely. Maybe because I crave for something that the world knows nothing of. Something that only a man of words can read but never loud enough, but only in my words.

The only reason I’d walk in a room full of strangers would be to be one. To stand there and be no one, nothing, and everything. I don’t know how lonliness works, maybe it is me. I am my alone, my lonliness, my stranger. I hardly know who I am, and yet I am surrounded by people so full of who they are. It is lonely, this world, because everyone wants be not-lonely. I don’t understand that if people are supposed to be the cure of lonliness, why I feel the lonliest in a room full of people.

–ShadesofLife

I Did Not Know…

I did not know
how to love myself
and love you
at the same time

I could either give it all
to you
Or all
to me.

If I split it down
the middle
we were both left
with too little.
And I have never
Been one
to disappoint.

The problem with
Being in love
Is that you have no clue
How to love somebody
Without replacing your entire
Self worth on them.

If they love you,
You love you.

If they leave,
Your self esteem
Goes with them.

–ShadesofLife

Feel the Feelings!

Feel the feelings,

The ones you can’t explain,

The ones where you know what you know,

But you don’t know why or how.

Feelings that have no words.

The ones not found in any dictionary and any language.

The ones that often whisper lies to you.

The ones impossible to ignore.

–ShadesofLife

Ending…

Hope is a song i wrote for you,
now i’m stripping it off lyric by lyric.

Misery is a nothing-town sleeping
over the grave of heartbreaks.
you’re misery.
i’m that grave.

Falling for someone is standing
on the edge
and dancing with the devil.
whoever falls first, wins.
My feet are bleeding.
I lost, like I always do.

Staying back is like winning
a lottery, but
only when they want you to stay.
you don’t want me to, do you?

Asking you to stay is like
keeping my heart in a blender
and handing it over to you.
Rest is our history, shattered.

But look,
i won’t disappoint.
s(t)ay, i am a fool.
s(t)ay, you love me.
s(t)ay, we will survive.
s(t)ay, you want us to work.
s(t)ay, i’m hopeless.
s(t)ay, it’s me who needs to leave.

–ShadesofLife

It’s You 24*7…

My thoughts very often sprint in circles. Always falling back to the place they began from.
All triggered at the
slightest touch of reality
and imagination both.

What was that you last said?
I keep trying to recall for
your first goodbye wasn’t our last.
You come and go.
You come and go.

Tell me if there’s an end to this,
I’d want to try that because
this feels as if you holding
a knife right in front my chest.
Tell me what does it do.
Tell me why do you this.

Wondering is a part of our being.
And our being is another
wonder to the nature.
I think and think and think hard
and harder because
circles have no corners
or edges to press pause for a while.
They keep running and the
wondering never stops.
As though it were you.
I can’t think anymore.

–ShadesofLife

Why are You so Special?

Maybe because you came into my life when I least expected a miracle to happen to me to save me from my own chaos, or maybe because you came with a torch in my life full of darkness, or maybe because you never left my side even when many already did, or maybe because of your gentle care that you always give me, or maybe because you’re the only person who understands my mood just by listening to my tone of speech, or maybe.. maybe l don’t know that why you’re so special to me because you’re itself a special, too much precious person to me and even a lifetime won’t be enough for me to describe your worth, and how stupendously special you are to me.

–ShadesofLife

You have Become a Habit!

At the end of a long day, I think about you again. You’ve become a habit now, the most pronounced sound in my almighty wretchedness. In this room of ephemeral solitude, we sit and listen to each other silence. No words are spoken here. Like always.

Time stands still and starts evaporating. I’m told a wise man once said nothing. I understand the beauty in his existence. And that in ours. We fall prey to the quietness inside us, a tranquil passage to what we can but might never be.

There is poetry in the way we love. I move my lips on your fragility, every murmur an earthquake. Your breath falls soundlessly on my skin, the night watching us become stories, hiding us away in between the pages of these years.

What more can we ever share, now that we’ve shared a silence?

–ShadesofLife